Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back another edition of the truly classic terrible apartment photos. As some of you may recall, France was pretty bad, and Taiwan was the original enfant terrible, but Croatia has no shortage either of terrible photographers. Why are we here again? Well, since we have gotten to know and admire every inch of this skinny country along the Adriatic Sea, Steve and I have decided to overstay our original trip to Croatia. In two days, we wrap up our visit to Dubrovnik and journey up the coast to Split, in Dalmatia, before heading back to Zagreb for the rest of April. We just can’t get enough of this country! So to Airbnb it was again to find a new place to stay in Zagreb for two weeks. Along the way, I could not resist gathering a large quantity of truly terrible apartment photos for your viewing pleasure. Here are some photos that truly do not inspire you to visit this country!
The Classic What-Is-This Photo
Let’s start off with a good old fashioned example of a photo that in no way gives you any useful information. What is this? A doorway? A cabinet? How does this black space on the right of what seems like a doorframe change from being negative space against a red door to going right through the floor at the bottom? What am I looking at?? This is an utter waste of pixels and my bandwidth!
The At-Least-Everything-Matches Photo
So my hypothesis is that this guy (or gal, just to be fair) probably thought long and hard about how to decorate this spare apartment. And finally, at a complete loss for a color scheme, he (or she, maybe) decided that decor that matched the walls was the safe way to go. Honestly, if we had to stay in this apartment, I would probably be tempted to invite some people over and throw some paint around until it looked like this apartment had just finished a 5K color run. It may not surprise you to know that I owned no white clothing growing up.
The Most Relevant Kitchen Photo
This is about the opposite of the first photo, in that it says volumes about the kitchen! For one thing, I believe that this well-angled portrayal of the utterly bereft fridge is the owner’s subtle way of letting us know, “Don’t depend on me for any groceries or drinks! You won’t be sponging off me while you’re here!” Or it could be their way of evoking that lonely, desolate sensation that motels often impart, because you know the only thing this mini-fridge has contained recently are cheap beers and leftover pizza. Also, I can’t believe that there is literally no room to get past the fridge if the door is open. Is population density really that bad here?
The Even More Most Relevant Kitchen Photo
When I look for excellence in an apartment, I know that excellence is to be found in polished tiles. A lot of them. I also prefer that there be elegant, well-placed lighting along the bottom of the walls for me to admire said polished tiles. This man knows what I’m looking for.
The Friendly Hostess Photos
I shouldn’t be so mean about this one, especially because you can tell it’s a sweet woman who’s just trying to make people feel welcome. But I couldn’t help it when I realized she put up pictures of herself toasting with first one hand, and then the other. It actually makes me suspect she’s really one of those pushy types who is more interested in making a show out of their own hospitality than actually providing you with a refreshment. And why is that glass empty, after all?
The Star Trek Decorators Photo
As a fervent Star Trek fan, I confess to being completely horrified by this lamp. It just reminds me of some special sort of Klingon religious artifact, probably called the B’Nar (just kidding, I know what the B’Nar is!). Mood lighting, anyone?
The Most Outrageous Knickknack Photo
I used to make fun of knickknack photos from Taiwan. You know, those things that theoretically lend a homey or personal detail to your dresser. The truth was, I didn’t know what a knickknack was until I saw this tableau. First, on the right, we have a dark, knotted creation of wood evocative of… uh, despair and old forests? On the left, someone named STAUB lent their artistic hand to a plaster of paris bas-relief carving of a dancing man with an amphora in his hand. Makes me feel right at home. Finally, there’s the pièce de resistance, which I can only conclude depicts that horrible moment on a cruise when you have to abandon ship. Whoever assembled this tableau was a twisted person.
The Dank and Dark Hole in the Bathroom Photo
My first reaction is to wince because the slanting ceiling will make it difficult for me to stand upright in this shower (without a shower curtain). But my second is to be taken back by what looks like a tiled alcove inside this bathroom. Is it a hole? Is it (horrors of horrors) how you enter the bathroom? Why else is there a step? This mystery will never be solved.
The Gosh Darn It We Forgot the Furniture Photo
Homey Central Zagreb Apartment ($45/ night): BYOFurniture.
And finally… the bathroom that you didn’t know you were missing…
The Disco Bathroom
I think the key word here is really “interactive.” I take this to mean the bathroom lights will change colors and flash on and off, according to your -ahem- activities in your latrine. The best part is that you won’t have to do a thing — just sit down and enjoy the show. 😀
To conclude, we are staying in some lovely little places in Split and Zagreb, and I encourage the world to visit Croatia — but always, of course, to be on the lookout for bad apartment photos.